I am a big believer that married couples need to create what I call a “No Kid Zone”…meaning there needs to be times every week (if not more often) when couples  get away from the kids, spend some time together, see a movie, make passionate love and enjoy each other’s time together.

For 22 years Jana and I have what we call a date night.  Currently this is on Friday nights.  We love Fridays. This is the day for us…no kids, no ministry…just us.  Over the years this has changed to other evenings and times.  For full disclosure–things come up and there have been times when we skip a couple of weeks.   Not every date night is full of magic and romance.  This is called life.  But having a simple commitment to date night has saved our marriage and kept a healthy rhythm to our lives and ministry.

The bottom line–get creative and carve out times for just the two of you.   It may be a Saturday breakfast, sitting on the couch and talking once a week or having lunch together during the business day.  I don’t know what this is for you–but get creative….do something for your marriage. Recently I have had some couples tell me this is why they love Saturday night church…they can go to church together and then grab a movie. I love it. Whatever works for you.

Why do I believe that every couple needs time without kids to nurture their marriage?

# 1. Pack the big suitcases first.

When you pack a trunk of a car–what do you do?  You put the big suitcases in first..then all the small ones.  If you put the small ones in first–the big ones never will fit.  Determine what the big suitcases are in your life.  For me–my relationship with Christ and marriage are the biggest suitcases I have. Even before my relationship with my two girls. Jana is first!!  I can’t wait until I have “time” to pack this suitcase. I have to make sure Jana is the centerpiece of my life not an afterthought.

To say you don’t have time for your spouse is accepting the idea your marriage will die a slow death.

# 2. Your kids will move out one day—your spouse won’t.

So many parents put their kids over the health of their marriage. Big mistake. No doubt when the kids are young or even in High School you have to adjust your time and priorities around their schedule.  But don’t get so busy with the kids that you neglect your own marriage.

One day your kids will leave home.  I wouldn’t consider Jana and me “empty nesters” yet. My oldest daughter is busy working and leading in worship at New Life. My youngest daughter is in Springfield, Missouri at James River Leadership College. They both have rooms in the house. I guess at some level they will always have a room in their home. But here is the reality, one day my girls will leave the house.  One day we can’t hide behind the kids.  Jana and I have spent years investing into our marriage, romance and friendship. We still like each other. We still enjoy each other’s friendship.

# 3. A “No Kid Zone” sends a loud message to your kids.

My two girls know that dad and mom like each other. They know we date.  Dating your spouse sends the message to the kids, “We love each other.”

Dads–the best thing you can do for your kids is to love their mom.

Moms–the best things you can do for your kids is to honor their dad.

We have to take control of our busy lives. Determine the things that are non-negotiable.  Learn to say no to things that don’t matter.  Your boss won’t be with you when you retire–your spouse will. Your spouse is more important than your job, your hobbies, your church commitment, the lawn that needs to be mowed, your favorite television show—-say “no” to some of these things. They are all the little suitcases…your spouse is the big deal in your life.

I have heard all the excuses, “I don’t have the money.”, “Who will take care of the kids?”, “A movie and dinner is so boring.” etc, etc, etc.  Stop with the excuses.  When you were dating–you would move the moon for each other.  Yes, it may cost some money to create a “No Kid Zone”…but this is a lot cheaper than a divorce attorney and two mortgages because your marriage didn’t work.

Men, here is my challenge…right now, text your wife.  Ask her on a date…tell her that the two of you need to find time together without the kids. Begin the conversation. Experiment with your schedule. Say “no” to other commitments. Say “yes” to your wife.   Do it now!

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Bret Allen with my Grandpa

Enter my parents.  Going to church was not an option in my home.  It was akin to eating every day, sleeping every night and showering every morning...although I can't say that I always did that in high school.  We went to church as a family and that was not a choice that I made- it was made for me.  When I told my parents that I was no longer interested in youth group with the new leader, they said something along the lines of, "Tough noogies- you're going."  Ok, I guess that answered that question.  Well if I had to go, at least I could have a bad attitude.  That's how we think when we're young and dumb, I guess.

The first Sunday Bret was there, I was walking through the hallway and I saw him coming.  I had never had any interaction with him and he didn't now know me either.  In my head, I thought, "Agh, I wish he was the other guy."  I didn't say that out loud, because Bret was a former world-class power lifter and he could've squashed me with his thumb.  As I walked toward him, he walked directly up to me with a warm smile on his face and his arm extended for a handshake.  "Mr. Jackson," he said.  "I am so glad to meet you!"  I didn't know what to do except for feel like a fool.  I had dismissed this guy already as a jerk and he was in the process of proving that I was really the knucklehead here.  After shaking hands, we walked together to the youth building and chatted.  All the while, my under-formed 16-year-old brain kept saying, "How did he know my name- I already like this guy."  He took the initiative to slice directly through my bad attitude and make me feel like a million bucks.

Over the next 7 years, Bret Allen changed my life.  I eventually joined his staff full-time and was mentored  by him in leadership, public speaking and spiritual growth.  Bret gave me opportunities that formed who I am today.  With him, I traveled on missions to 11 countries and spoke publicly to thousands of children and adults.  I worked hard and long learning what it takes to reach the hearts of students.  I spent hours with Bret discovering the God-given gifts that had been placed in me from the moment I was created.  I learned real-life lessons that help me each day in my family life and career.

I owe so very much to Bret.  I also owe a ton to my parents for adopting the following philosophy: expose your children to high-impact events and high-impact people.  I now understand that a main reason why my parents had me in church each week was because they knew I would be exposed to people and events that would build me up.  As a part of their consistent and Godly parenting, they knew that it was important for me to meet people like Bret and be a part of events that would shape me spiritually, socially and morally. 

Sometimes, it seems easier to keep my kids in our little family bubble.  I imagine it was a burden for my parents to help me raise money to travel on missions.  I'm also certain it was a pain in the rear for them to kick me into gear when I didn't want to go to church.  However, they saw the big picture for my life- exposing me to high-impact events and high-impact people.  As a result, I learned and grew under my own parents and people like Bret.  Now, I am committed to doing the same thing for my children so that they can fulfill the purpose and plan God has in store for their lives!

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Last week, our family was cruising down the road and Renee & I were listening to Bauer & Reese in the back seat.  Reese was pestering Bauer by reaching over "his side."  Does this sound familiar to any other parents?  After she had done this for a time, we heard Bauer say, "Reese, stop doing that you idiot!"  Our mouths dropped to the floor and we looked at each other with a silent "WHAT?!?!?!?"  As we've all said..."We don't teach them that at home."  I can just imagine a class for our children at home- "Ok kids, this is how we say idiot; and this is how we hit someone; and this is how to pronounce stupid."  Anyhow, I digress:)

I pulled the car over and we took Bauer's drumsticks away (that's like death to him).  As most of us would do, we gave him a quick lesson on using kind words.  He responded with this: "But on Toy Story, they say 'You're just a toy you idiot!'"  Well, indeed they do.  For several months now, we have been discouraged and frustrated with the "family" movies and shows that are out there.  It seems that even the safest movie turns out to be filled with innuendos, words or attitudes that we try to avoid in our home.  Truthfully, we've pretty much decided to take a break from taking the kids to movies after being surprised by a couple of G-rated family flicks.

After hearing Bauer's explanation for the new name he gave to his sister, I was reminded immediately of Luke 6:44-45- "You can tell what a tree is like by the fruit it produces...Your words show what is in your heart."  He heard that word while watching a family movie right on our couch.  He then repeated that word and even used it correctly- garbage in = garbage out.  I believe the following so strongly: what our kids watch affects them greatly and we are responsible to guard that gate with diligence and passion.  It is far too easy to set our children in front of the TV with a program that is "safe" according to the world's standards.  Remember though, the world's standards are not the same as the Bible's standards.  If the world says PG-13, I will not just accept that without applying it to Biblical standards.  If I'm letting my ten-year-old watch PG-13, my standards are suddenly lower than those of the world.

This is a tough battle to fight as media and marketing surround our children.  However, I would encourage each family to be ultra-careful of what our kids are watching and remember that when junk goes in, it is inevitably going to come out!

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For any parents heading into Christmas gift-buying during this horrendous economy, here's a thought: many times, the best gifts we give our kids are not the biggest or most expensive ones. 

The most meaningful gift I have ever received is currently worth $2.99.  One year when I was a kid, my family was having a particularly tough Christmas financially.  We lived in a 2-bedroom apartment with my Dad, Mom, 2 sisters and Grandpa.  Needless to say, no one got a Wii or an LED TV that year. 

On Christmas Eve, my sister passed out the gifts around the tree (that was her job and it still is- even though she's 27 now).  My gift was an envelope.  Taking turns, everyone opened their presents and it finally got to me.  I opened my little envelope and found a note.  The note was a clue.  The clue led me to another clue in a different part of the apartment.  That clue took me to another clue.  In my PJ's (Dukes of Hazzard- I still wear them every so often), I scurried from clue-to-clue, covering all 700 square-feet of that tiny apartment.

Finally, I came to the end of my Christmas scavenger hunt.  The final clue led me to a tiny cardboard box back where I had started, near the Christmas tree.  I picked open the box and found inside a 1986 Donruss Jose Canseco rookie card.  During my entire childhood, collecting sports cards was a hobby my Dad and I did together.  He knew what I owned, what I needed and what I LIKED!

I did not know how much that card cost my parents, I still don't.  I didn't care, I still don't.  What I loved was the idea that my parents had thought about me and made me feel special.  I knew I had gotten the best gift of anyone that Christmas.  It was more than a collector's item.  It was a symbol of my parent's love for me.  I still have that card and I always will.  I have received expensive items in my life and those are nice, but it doesn't always take something pricey to leave an impression.  Maybe it just takes a three-dollar baseball card.

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